Hook Breakdown – Distracted Nerd


Hook tells the story of a grown up Peter Pan
who is now a big shot corporate lawyer that goes by the name Peter Panning…What’s that? His name is Peter Banning?! Are you sure?
Peter Banning. Pan. Banning Pan.
Banning Oh man I’ve been saying it wrong all these
years and oh my god, i just remembered in 4th grade going on and on to Laura Springer
about how clever it was that his last name was Panning. She must’ve thought I was an
idiot! But honestly, doesn’t Peter Panning make more sense? Ya know, because he’s Peter
Pan. No? Dad my game, you promised.
I’ll be there. My word is my bond. Jack carries a baseball and a mitt wherever
he goes which is typically a characteristic of someone who’s really good at baseball…which
Jack is not. Peter does in fact miss the game but I’m sure
it was for a good reason. What a bunch of dorks. OK Jack, I get that you’re upset that your dad’s not there to see you play but have you
seen you play. I’m not gonna lie. That was unpleasant to
watch. Even his poor coach looks like he’s gonna
throw up and he’s probably seen a lot of sh**** players in his time.
In Peters defense he does race to try to make it to the game on time so maybe he’s not
a compete-What? How late do you have to be to a game that
absolutely no one is there? There isn’t even that one assistant coach
quietly hauling equipment into the back of a pickup truck.
You know the guy I’m talking about. His name was almost always Randy and he would
always help coach even though he didn’t even have a kid on the team.
You know, Randy. Your dad went to high school with him. Peter and his family then head to England for Granny Wendy’s dedication ceremony for
her orphanage. On the flight over we learn that Peter is
ironically afraid of flying. During the flight his wife urges him to smooth
things over with their son Jack. Will you stop that, you could break a window.
They’re double layered. You can’t break them. What are you crazy? You’re gonna bring down
this whole plane. After Jack is detained and questioned for
several hours at the airport, the family finally arrives at Granny Wendy’s and you can definitely
feel the awkwardness Peter is going through being around his 90 year old ex girlfriend
that also happens to be his current wife’s grandmother.
We’ve all been there. You remember how when you were growing up
listening to the tales of the carefree, easygoing and adventurous Peter Pan and you kept just
saying to yourself “This is nice and all but I really just want to see Peter scream
at children to the point where they fear he might hit them.”
Well if so, here ya go. Will everybody just shut up!
And leave me alone for one moment! Maura get them out of here, I’m on the phone
call of my life! This is when the audience just kind of slowly
backs out of the room. The adults then leave for the dedication and
while they’re gone their children are kidnapped by the pirates.
Captain Hook leaves a letter taunting Peter because he believes that Peter would do anything
to get his children back. The Captain obviously hasn’t been watching
the movie up to this point because I’m not getting that vibe.
Wendy attempts to get Peter to remember that he is in fact the real Peter Pan by telling
him all about the time they spent in Neverland. The story she tells is the classic boy meets
girl. girl grows up,
boy stays a boy, girl has children,
boy stays boy. girl has grandchildren,
boy proceeds to bone girl’s granddaughter. Its a tale as old as time.
Um, what’s happening here? Peter.
Peter! Good god, get a hold of yourself man.
Peter is later visited by Tinkerbell who also tries in vain to convince him he’s the real
Peter Pan. Tinkerbell quickly gives up trying to reason
with Peter and knocks him out and flies him to Neverland.
Instead of taking him directly to the Lost Boys, Tink drops him right in the middle of
pirate town for reasons that are only clear to a psychotic fairy.
Put your faces on girls, here comes Smee. Smee.
Smee! Nothing says children’s movie like a gaggle
of disease ridden whores. Peter disguises himself and watches as Hook
brags about stealing Peter Pan’s children and how he’s finally going to be able to kill
him. Upon seeing his children, Peter reveals himself
and Captain Hook can’t believe that he is actually Peter Pan. The captain literally can’t even right now. What kind of research did Hook do?
He obviously knew Peter’s travel schedule and what his children looked like and the
fact that they were on holiday in England. Did he not know that Peter was old and doughy?
That’s just terrible recon work. The mermaids save Peter’s life by breathing
oxygen into him and…wait, do mermaids have lungs or gills.
Would this work? Is this scientifically accurate?
I..I don’t know. Is it? I mean, I don’t know enough about mermaids,
sea creatures, or basic biology to refute this.
Oh, you’re alive! You’re alive?!
Hold the phone. Did Tinkerbell just leave Peter for dead when
he fell in the water and go home and go back to sleep?
Was she just gonna chock Peters death up to bad luck and pretend like it never happened.
What else has Tinkerbell just brushed under the rug. I don’t think she’s a very good friend
at all. All grown ups are pirates!
We kill pirates. Oh, you kill pirates?
Alright, I’m gonna hold you to that. Don’t listen to that stinkin’ fairy!
Oh, dude! You can’t just call someone a fairy. I know it’s the mid 90’s and all but-
Oh! You’re talking about Tinkerbell aren’t you?
Never mind. Tinkerbell finally convinces them to train
Peter so that he can fight Hook and get his kids back.
They put Peter through a grueling training regiment that seems like it would do more
harm than good. Peter is ridiculously out of shape and now
three days before the war they’ve got him working muscles that haven’t been used in
years. He’s just going to be sore as s**t and barely
able to move. At the Lost Boys camp, training is done for
the day and they all sit down for a delicious imaginary dinner.
(unintelligible gibberish) Um…what?
(seriously have no clue) One more time.
(………) Wash it down the alabaster purple?
What the hell does that mean? Show me your fast ball, dust brain.
You paunchy, sag-bottomed puke pot! Hemorrhoidal suck navel!
Boil dripping, beef fart sniffing bubble butt! You are a fart factory!
Slug-slimed sack of rat guts and cat vomit! Rufio is basically that kid in 5th grade who
knew a bunch of bad words but didn’t really know what context to use them in.
Substitute Chemistry teacher. Mung tongue!
Math tutor. Pinhead.
Prison Barber. Mother lover.
Near sighted Gynecologist. So while Rufio is trying his damnedest to
just throw out every word he knows, Peter is just disparaging real professions.
I can kind of see the prison barber one but the math tutor and the substitute chemistry
teacher they’re just trying to help kids learn. As for the near sighted Gynecologist
Alright, that one is kind of funny if not exactly appropriate for a kid’s movie.
And also I guess we’re just gonna gloss over the fact that Rufio basically called Peter
a mother f*****. He also called him mung tongue.
For those of you that don’t know what mung is, Urban Dictionary defines the process as
first checking the obituary for a recently deceased man or woman.
You and a partner will then go to the cemetery where you will dig up the corpse
and this blend of bodily fluids and embalming material is known as mung. You can wow your
friends with that bit of information. The next day Hook sets up a baseball game
to show Jack that he is a better father than Peter ever was.
Peter is also at the game so that he can steal Hook’s hook which will then give him the confidence
he needs to crow. The training for this battle is just weird.
Back at the Lost Boys’ camp Peter finds Wendy’s old house and memories begin flooding back
to him about his time before Neverland. I was afraid because I didn’t want to grow
up because everyone who grows up has to die someday.
So I ran away. That’s not exactly what I think of when someone
says they ran away. That’s more like a baby rolling down a hill
and his mother not even trying to follow the path of said hill to find her young infant.
How long was this hill? Could his mother seriously not find him?
Was CPS not a thing back then? Peter finally realizes that his happy thought
is being a father and he is suddenly able to fly, fight, crow and play basketball.
All he needs is to win the affection of Pamela Wells and we’ve got a super weird Teen Wolf
sequel. The day of the epic battle finally arrives
and given that this war is probably thousands of years in the making you can bet that the
Lost Boys have some pretty kick ass weapons at their disposal
Weapons such as Uh, sunlight
OK, eggs Tomatoes. I guess that might hurt.
A morbidly obese child Ooh, here we go. What is this some kind of
flame thrower. Ah, sh**.
Hey, remember when Rufio said this? We kill pirates.
Yeah, I’m calling bs on that one. My eyes!
OK dude. Let’s not get carried away here. In fact the only casualty to occur in this
war is Rufio at the hands of Hook. That’s probably because the pirates were fighting
with swords and not, ya know, food and stuff. Bad form!
Jack, stop. Yeah Jack, stop. There is literally nothing
you can do. Hook’s gone.
So is it implied that the Tick Tock Croc ate him and then digested him?
That doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense.
Hook should still be alive, right? I mean, he should just be able to climb back
out. It’s not a big deal but it seems pretty
dumb. Now that Hook has been eaten by a dead crocodile,
Peter and his children fly back to England and Peter is finally going to be a loving
husband and father who is full of boyhood wonder.
For a few weeks until they all forget about Neverland and Peter becomes a dick again.

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